A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Jaanu, etc.
The guy was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years. While the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."
His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
Showing posts with label About men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label About men. Show all posts
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
man's speech
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt: short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Men Can Never Win
If you work too hard, you’re not spending enough time with her. If you don’t work hard enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist. If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist. If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Squeaky Wheel
The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket. Nevertheless, when I finished my shopping and saw a cartless woman, I offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."
"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."
"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home like that."
Thursday, July 16, 2009
If Men Got Pregnant
Maternity leave would last two years....with full pay.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.
There would be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.
All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.
Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.
Men would be eager to talk about commitment.
They wouldn't think twins were so cute.
Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM.
Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.
Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.
They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.
Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entree's.
Women would rule the world.
Female Versus Male
Q: Why are men like blenders?
A: You need one but you're not quite sure why.
Q: Why is food better than a man?
A: You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: What's a man's idea of helping to make the bed?
A: He gets out..
Q: Why are men and parking spots similar?
A: The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE! men will screw anything.
Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and a clitoris have in common?
A: Men miss them all.
Q: How do you keep a man interested after marriage?
A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: She starts the sentance with "A man once told me..."
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured outwomen?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know it has never happened.
Q: Why are there only snowmen and no snowomen?
A: Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow all Winter.
Q: Why don't men get Mad Cow disease?
A: Because men are pigs.
Q: Why are guys like lawn mowers?
A: They emit foul odors, are hard to get started, and do not last for long.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.
Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business.
Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're all pigs.
Q: What is the main difference between men and boys?
A: Men's toys cost more money.
A: You need one but you're not quite sure why.
Q: Why is food better than a man?
A: You don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: What's a man's idea of helping to make the bed?
A: He gets out..
Q: Why are men and parking spots similar?
A: The good ones are already taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE! men will screw anything.
Q: What do toilet seats, anniversaries and a clitoris have in common?
A: Men miss them all.
Q: How do you keep a man interested after marriage?
A: Wear perfume that smells like beer.
Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: She starts the sentance with "A man once told me..."
Q: Why did the woman cross the road?
A: That's not the point, what's she doing out of the kitchen?
Q: Did you hear about the guy who finally figured outwomen?
A: He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q: How many men does it take to change a toilet roll?
A: We don't know it has never happened.
Q: Why are there only snowmen and no snowomen?
A: Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow all Winter.
Q: Why don't men get Mad Cow disease?
A: Because men are pigs.
Q: Why are guys like lawn mowers?
A: They emit foul odors, are hard to get started, and do not last for long.
Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns.
Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?
A: No mind-No business.
Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?
A: Because they're all pigs.
Q: What is the main difference between men and boys?
A: Men's toys cost more money.
Male VS Female
Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name..."
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.a: 2.No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
Q: Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter?
A: Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Q: Why are hangovers better than women?
A: Hangovers will go away.
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: So they can stand closer to the sink.
Q: How do you know when a women's about to say something smart?
A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me...."
Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?
A: You don't...there's a clock on the oven!
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name..."
Women are like guns, keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.
Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
A: The Dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in!
Q: What are two reasons why women don't mind their own business?
A: 1.No mind.a: 2.No business.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" and I said, "Dust!"
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Men
It's not so complicated!
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! (Those would be the married ones.)
The nice men are ugly.
The handsome men are not nice.
The handsome and nice men are gay.
The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The handsome men without money are after our money.
The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank GOD are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!
The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.
NOW, WHO IN THE WORLD UNDERSTANDS MEN?
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO THE GUYS YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT! (Those would be the married ones.)
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Old Men With Blow-Up Dolls
There was these two old men sitting in one of the old mens house. They haven't had sex in 20 years... The first old man then said,"I have an idea...Lets go to the whore house and have sex with a young lady!" The other old man agreed and they went to the whore house and went to the lady up front and asked her for one woman each to have sex with.. The lady behind the counter thought,"well my girls are to good for these old mean,so I'll give them blow up dolls...They wont know the difference." So she gave them each a blow up doll and the old men thought they were real living girls.. They went to a room did their business and came out and went home.. On the way home the 1st old man said,"You know..when i was doing my business i think that girl was dead,she didnt say anything,move or anything..Just laid there" he looekd at the other old man and said,"what do you think?" The other old man looked at him and said,"I think mine was a witch.." the first old man asked,"Why you say that?" and the 2nd old man responded,"Because when I bit her on the boob she farted and flew out the window."
Men & Fine Wine
Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd want to have dinner with. MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
How many women can a man marry?
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" "Sixteen," the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" "Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Monday, June 22, 2009
Guy's 10 Funny Thoughts About Women
- What is better than wisdom? Woman. And what is better than a good woman? Nothing.
- Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
- A woman knows how to keep quiet when she is in the right, whereas a man, when he is in the right, will keep on talking.
- Woman is a miracle of divine contradictions.
- Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end upwith a station wagon.
- If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.
- One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even a bargain costs money.
- I like my whisky old and my women young.
- Most women are not always as young as they are painted.
- What a strange thing man is; and what a stranger thing woman.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Game Of Romance: A Man’s Guide to the Scoring System...
1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5You pummel it with a six iron: +10It’s her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2Named Tiffany: -4Tiffany is a dancer: -6Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3And the television is off: -6You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6And you didn’t even go to college: -10And it’s not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1Okay, it is a sports bar: -2And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10With her credit card: -30And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9For every beer after three, -2 againAnd miss curfew by an hour: -12You get home at 3 a.m.: -20You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30And not wearing any pants: -40Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2He’s crude and sexist: -2You laugh: -5You laugh too much: -10She’s not laughing: -15You laugh harder: -25
8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
You go out to buy her flowers: +5But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0You check out a suspicious noise and it’s nothing: 0You check out a suspicious noise and it’s something: +5You pummel it with a six iron: +10It’s her cat: -10
2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy: -2Named Tiffany: -4Tiffany is a dancer: -6Tiffany has implants: -8
3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3And the television is off: -6You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6And you didn’t even go to college: -10And it’s not really your underwear: -15
4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar: +1Okay, it is a sports bar: -2And it’s all-you-can-eat night: -3It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0You give her a gift, and it’s a small appliance: -10You give her a gift, and it’s not a small appliance: +1You give her a gift, and it isn’t chocolate: +2You give her a gift that you’ll be paying off for months: +30You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10With her credit card: -30And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40
5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25Which is in Newark, New Jersey: -35And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50
6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9For every beer after three, -2 againAnd miss curfew by an hour: -12You get home at 3 a.m.: -20You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30And not wearing any pants: -40Is that a tattoo? -200
7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2He’s crude and sexist: -2You laugh: -5You laugh too much: -10She’s not laughing: -15You laugh harder: -25
8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60
9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned expression: +20When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television: +10She realizes this is because you’ve fallen asleep: -10
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